so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
