fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
