those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
