Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
