I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
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Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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