i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
