Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
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So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
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i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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