I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
