I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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