Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
