Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
pray to the hookup gods
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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