Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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