Michael Bay diarrhea
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
