the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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