i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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