She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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