i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
