remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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