You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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