i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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