Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
