saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
