I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
