Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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