I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
