I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
