I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
