my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
