I've blown a few things in my day
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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