he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
