A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
