what day is it and did you see me today?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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