someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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