My Higher Power is John Stamos
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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