I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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