Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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