I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
