she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
