Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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