There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
