Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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