god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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