So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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