Your favorite bartender is back from prision
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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