I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
ugly people sure do ruin things
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
