new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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