I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
