Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
