It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
