there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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