You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
