The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Randomize
