mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I have post one night stand depression
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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