I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
